Part Three: The Reluctant Caregiver's Guide to Broken Hip Recovery

On Getting Help

People will say, “Call me if you need help.” But they aren’t specific and you don’t even know what kind of help you need. Even though it’s meant well, it gets frustrating pretty quickly when you can’t respond to their inquiries. You’re still in shock from all that’s happened.

I’m fortunate that I’m a member of a caring church. They can be a great resource. If you’re not part of such an organization, you likely have family members, neighbors, or other groups who can pitch in. Once you discover what you need, let someone in those groups know. And yes, the needs will make themselves known eventually.

For example, when my husband came home, we discovered that it was extremely difficult to put him to bed at night. He was basically immobile and as I said, a pretty large guy. The best I could do left his lower legs and feet sticking off the end of the bed, which I propped up with pillow wedges.

Our pastor stopped by early and I mentioned that to him. Suddenly, friends were calling and saying they would like to drop by in the evening to help me shift his inert form with a transfer sheet. Wonderful! Later, a home therapist showed me how to use body mechanics so I could pivot him into position by myself. Eventually, he regained enough strength to make adjustments himself.

Regarding helpers, most people will be happy to do a one-off, and something that doesn’t take more than an hour or so. It’s the rare individual that will do more, and you don’t want to wear them out. Here are a few things you could suggest when people offer to help:

• ·         Getting the injured one in and out of a car, for a particular doctor appointment, etc.
• ·         Bringing a dinner or other meal
• ·         Stopping by to chat with the patient
• ·         Bringing books, cookies, candy, etc.
• ·         Sitting with your loved one while you run an errand
• ·         Mowing the lawn
• ·         Vacuuming a specific room (living room, patient’s room)
• ·         Delivering groceries
• ·         Walking the dog
• ·         Running simple errands (like mail, cleaners, drug store items)
• ·         Deciphering medical statements and bills
• ·         Loaning medical equipment (shower chair, transport chair, walker, etc.)
• ·         Making a phone call to the patient or sending a card

We even had a friend who built a scrap-wood ramp for our front door threshold, so it was possible to get my husband in and out of the house on the transport chair. What a fabulous gift!

Some things can’t be relegated to friends, however. Sponge baths, hygiene changes, bathroom clean-ups—you’re pretty much stuck with these. Getting up in the middle of the night several times is your job, too, unless you have a close family member who can help you.

With Hip #1, I ended up hiring a caregiving service (many of which are not covered by Medicare, by the way) to help with getting my husband up, bathed and dressed in the mornings. They also worked some of his physical therapy exercises with him and occasionally did some light housework. We used them for about a month until he was more mobile and I could do those tasks myself. Although it was helpful, it was expensive, and we had 10 different caregivers in that short time span. By the time I oriented all those individuals and gathered cleaning or medical equipment, I could have done the job myself! And I’m still looking for misplaced items in the kitchen.

If you can get one particular person to come all the time, that’s a much better solution. Ask your friends if they know someone like that.

With Hip #2, which happened during the coronavirus stay-at-home phase, I wanted to minimize disease exposure, so opted to do the work myself. I wouldn’t recommend this for a first-timer, though. I knew what to expect, had all the equipment, and remembered how to maneuver him around. I still felt ground down, however, both physically and mentally. If circumstances had been different, I would have gladly welcomed someone coming in, to share chores or just to give me a break.

Another good source of help is accessing all the different kinds of deliveries that are available now. If you’re in a reasonably-sized urban area, there are likely several services that come right to your front door. Among these are groceries, prescriptions, and restaurant meals. Curbside service that popped up during the coronavirus era may still be available as well.

Yes, it is somewhat pricier to shop this way, but I found it was well worth what my time would have cost. And there were times I just couldn’t leave him alone.

In small towns or rural areas, perhaps a neighbor’s driving teen can be hired as your delivery person. Ask your friends and colleagues if they know someone who’d like a few extra bucks.

And Amazon/Walmart.com/etc. can deliver whatever else you need.

Use these. You’re in a crisis and it’s OK. You’re not going out or spending the money otherwise. It will help you feel more independent.

And gee, aren’t you being resourceful? Go admire yourself in your crown!

Part Two: The Reluctant Caregiver's Guide to Broken Hip Recovery

The Initial Event

I’m assuming that you’re like us, that there was some kind of accident or fall or unplanned event. And I’m assuming the doctors have said your spouse will get better eventually, but you’re facing weeks or months for recovery.

If your spouse hurt himself trying out for a Funniest Home Video program, you have my sincere sympathies. He’s hopefully realizing he’s an idiot, so no reason to point it out to him. At least, not too often. Guilt should be used sparingly!

My husband, who’s not an idiot, went from working out twice a week, hiking, driving, and other normal activities to being bedridden in about 2 seconds flat. He simply got up sleepy and fell at our home in the middle of the night.

After asking him—between moans—if he could roll over or get up, and determining he couldn’t, I called 911. Soon there were two firetrucks and an ambulance outside, and somewhere between 8-10 people running around my house. My hubs is a big guy, 6’4” and 220 pounds, and he fell in our upstairs rooms. It took six beefy EMTs to carry him down our stairs to a gurney. It happened to be early on a holiday—July 4, before fireworks and all those injuries—so the ER was fairly empty. X-rays were taken, diagnosis given (broken hip), and surgery happened before noon.

After that, he spent two nights in the hospital and then was sent to rehab for three and a half weeks. He has other health problems, including autoimmune issues, and a complicated medication schedule which they never did get right. And somehow, he ended up on six—yes, six—different pain killers and sedatives at once. Yeah, it didn’t go well.

One thing I had to be was an advocate for him. I must have complained to every doctor, nurse, case worker and anyone else who would listen that his meds were wrong. He was everything from groggy to delirious and his therapists noted he didn’t do well on his exercises. Duh! I still think they released him to home care because they were tired of me bitching.

I admit, I’m good at that.

I also have to admit I’m not good at dealing with people who are delirious. I sat seven full hours one day with a completely out-of-it guy who is normally brilliant. I’m still bugging him about the weird stuff he said!

Don’t be afraid to speak out. Your partner needs someone to look out for his best interests. On our second round when he broke his other hip, I sent a detailed email to rehab with exact medicine schedule and what I needed him to be able to do before he came home. Since it was during the coronavirus pandemic, I couldn’t go there in person, but the email apparently made a difference and his stay turned out much better.

However, what all this meant for me, the caregiver, was a totally disrupted schedule. We’re retired, so I didn’t have to deal with work outside the home, but we had home repairs scheduled, bills to pay, yard work, and all the usual household and social obligations. These were normally shared tasks, but I now had to deal with all of it by myself. And the meetings and activities I used to do on my own—now gone by the wayside because I needed to be home to take care of him.

My credo for this time: “When the going gets tough, the tough lower their standards.”

Simple fact: You can’t and shouldn’t expect to do it all. I read on the internet—so you know it’s true!—that unmade beds air better and you get fewer dust mites. Air-dried dishes save towel laundry. Dirt means you have an active, happy household. Seriously, lighten your must-do list. It’s OK to do the minimum for a while.

And if you’re like me, it’s hard to accept help. But as humbling as it is, you need it and must resign yourself to accepting it.